still. haven't. packed.

I am the type of person that has doubts. I have a tendency to second-guess every decision I ever make and overanalyze every. single. thing. I also question. As with most of my confessions in my grand total of 4 posts, I am not proud of any of these traits...it just seems to make more sense to explain myself a little.

With all of that being said, I keep waiting for some panic attack to strike or for something to hit me and suddenly make me become nervous about leaving. That hasn't happened yet, and for that I am very grateful. I have felt a sense of peace throughout the entire process, and I really do find comfort in knowing that I am doing what I'm supposed to do. Not that everything in life should be comfortable or easy, but it does help to know that I am not questioning the decisions I have made.

Like I've mentioned before, everything has almost fallen into place thus far. On top of a great 14 months (this is how long it's been since I 1st started the application process), I have enjoyed a wonderful last 2 months at home...visiting friends and spending quality time with people. Some of my friends threw me a going-away party last night, and I could not have been more excited to spend one last night with so many people that I love! It was the perfect send-off and just another reminder that I have been blessed with amazing friends.

Ok so another confession. I saw this basic outline of the next few months on one of my fellow future volunteer's blog. ("future" as in 2 days away...crazy.) And I stole it. Honestly I am not even sure how she found out about a lot of this information (go figure. Not on top of things)...it seemed like a helpful guideline to have and share with my mom aka my only reader. Shout out, mom.

Staging
March 2 : Travel to Washington DC (keep it real in the nation's capital- that was my own personal touch...didn't have to steal a line like that)
March 3 : 12:30 to 7pm Registration and what I can expect
March 4 : 3:45am Check out of hotel; 8:25am travel to Santo Domingo

Arriving in DR
March 4 : 3:40pm Arrive in Santo Domingo
..................Travel to a Retreat Center an hour outside of Santo Domingo
March 5 : Travel to my host family's home

Training
March - May : I will be trained intensively in Spanish (4 hrs a day), sector development projects, regions of the Dominican Republic, teacher training workshops, interactive teaching methodologies, interviews, and youth ICT meetings. During this training I will be based in Santo Domingo, for 5 weeks however I will travel to the interior of the country for field Community Based Training (CBT)

Thanks, future friend, for the copy/paste. Now going back to the post's title, I still have not packed. Tonight's the night. Leaving early early early on Tuesday, so it would be smart to have something to take with me. 2 more days!! So excited.

Question marks are OK.

So my last entry led me to read through some of my old journals. Here is a little gem I found from my first journal or "diary." :o) My first entry consisted of a piece I should appropriately call "What I want to be when I grow up."



Just to clarify, I am almost positive that the picture on the right is supposed to be a dog groomer. I don't think I was a morbid first-grader. And if I was, too late for social services to take action now...and I turned out fine.

Despite the misspelling and the obvious lack of future artistic talent...mixed with the questionable intent...I had a clear vision. It's interesting that I had a better idea of what I wanted to do in life at the age of 6 than I do at 22. I have a Marketing degree and a Management minor, and I am not 100% sure I even want to be in the business world later on. But maybe? And I think I'm ok with not knowing. I feel like I have time to figure out the direction that I'm heading because I know where I want to end up: passionate. I want to be passionate about whatever I end up doing, and I already have a sense of where my passions lie. I want to help people in some way. I know I can do this in several areas of the job market and in different capacities; however, I just desire to use my skills and passions the best way I can. I get excited about helping those less fortunate, and I think the next chapter of my life is going to help me figure out how I want to use these interests in the future. Can't wait for this chapter to start. 10 DAYS!!

Although I might have known exactly what I thought I wanted to do for the rest of my life at an early age, time has proven its ability to change my plans. I hope my 1st grader self would appreciate that I adapted to altering goals and desires throughout the years, and I pray that I would continue to be open and flexible to any other changes that might come my way. I am prepared to be changed as long as the foundation remains the same. For now, I am grateful for the upcoming experience, and I am ok with having a giant question mark on my "What I want to be when I grow up" picture.

why this blog thing is difficult.

So first of all, I would like to say thank you to a good friend who helped me spruce up this blog a bit. His thought process was that if I liked the look of it a little more, then I would be more inclined to write in it. We shall see if his plan works. Doubtful, but I am open-minded.

I thought I would try to explain why I am so utterly pessimistic about my blogging abilities. I really, truly, from the bottom of my heart want to stay as connected as I can to family and friends. However, it has always been difficult for me to commit to journaling, emailing, writing letters, etc. For crying out loud, I even have the hardest time uploading Facebook albums within the 1st 6 months of taking pictures. Why would I think blogging would be any different?

Need a visual? Here are only SOME of my unfinished journals I have attempted to write in throughout the years...



Like I said, these are only the ones that I could find. There are a few more that I know for sure should be in this pile, including some of the nifty ones with the locks and keys. Those would have been helpful if I didn't always lose the keys. But that always gave me an excuse to start a new one, so it never frustrated me.

I always start journals and then get halfway (if I'm lucky) through, forget to write for a few months - a year, and think that if I start a new journal I will be more likely to keep up with it. I actually have been doing ok with it for the past year or so, so maybe I'm not a lost cause. I am not proud of this struggle...I wish it wasn't the case.

So it's time to stop wishing. I'm going to be a blogger for the next 27.5 months if it kills me. I already have 3 posts down, and I haven't even left yet! Pretty great start if I do say so myself.

I mean, other people like blogging. They are good at it. Maybe I can be more dedicated than I thought. But if I used that as encouragement for everything, then I would have tried a lot harder/been a lot better at basketball, volleyball, band, choir, art, the list could go on and on. And that would just get depressing. I think I make my case, though....but maybe this can be different? After all, I can just think of it as a method of communication.

It can't be that hard, right?